Tales From the Afterlife
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: Sequel to The Final Countdown. The Celestial Bureaucracy is fickle, it claims to uphold contracts only to change or withdraw them at the last minute. The Heroes of the Three Kingdoms are subjected to various scenarios, but one swears to uphold his reputation by finding a way to break the cycle once and for all. United, they just might succeed.
1. In Which More Shenanigans Start

Tales From the Afterlife

Prologue: Creative Spite

In the swirling mists of the space-time continuum, a number of souls found themselves in an increasingly uncomfortable situation.

A man in a very elaborate, blue robe materialized into existence. A black fan appeared in his hand for some reason.

"Seriously? Is this the best they can come up with?!" The man howled when he saw the fan.

"... Still, I suppose it beats not having something comfortable." He muttered as he started to fan himself.

For some reason, this plane of existence started to get hot.

A few 'seconds' later, another being materialized into existence. This new being wore a mostly white, embroidered robe covered in Daoist symbolism. The original being recognized this new being as a "man" as well.

And not just any man...

"Kongming? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Zhongda? You are here as well?"

As the two beings known as "men" began to chatter over what I, the narrator, will call trivial things a third object materialized into existence on this plane.

It was a windowed box, with some curious metal twigs sticking out of the end facing the ceiling of the plane of existence that slowly turned into a white room.

"What is this device?" Zhuge Liang approached the box with a look of curiosity.

"What makes you so sure it's a device? It could just be a box with a window someone haphazardly put in its side. This same crazy person stabbed the box with two metal branches." Sima Yi deadpanned.

At this moment, the box suddenly began displaying images on the window.

"Those words on the screen... Three Kingdoms?"

As Kongming muttered, some music began to play.

"What's going on here?" Sima Yi turned around but no singer was to be found.

When the mysterious song ended, an image appeared on the screen. It was that of an old man who had apparently entered some tomb.

"Wait wait wait..." Zhongda muttered as his name appeared next to the old man.

"Ah, how touching! It seems that this box is portraying you as an old man paying General He Jin his respects." Zhuge Liang laughed.

"Dammit, what is happening here-"

And suddenly a roar echoed throughout the room, and Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi froze in place. The room shifted and morphed and soon there were more people assembled in the room. Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi, and others were sitting in folding chairs and a television had been set up, plugged into an outlet on the wall.

 ** _"Apologies, we were testing our equipment. Your test will begin soon."_**

"A test?! What test?! I didn't come here for a test!" Sima Zhao groaned.

"Son, I will not have you just watch TV all day like some worthless peasant. Wait-" Sima Yi looked up from his scolding of his second son right into the face of Kongming.

"Indeed, it feels like we have awoken from some bizarre dream." Zhuge Liang nodded at his eternal rival's baffled expression.

"Or maybe what you two gentlemen experienced isn't a dream at all. Or better yet we're probably sharing the same nightmare." Jia Xu groaned as the deep, disembodied voice filled the room once more.

 ** _"I know that you are all people of renown, and that many of you are considered brilliant geniuses. What is your opinion on the way popular films, television shows, video games, comic books, and other media have portrayed you?"_**

"Kongming would probably grant a hefty commission and a permanent, hereditary rank for everyone who added to the perception of his divinity." Sima Yi spoke in monotone.

"Praise the Zhuge Liang! Praise the Zhuge Liang! Behold, now is the time to worship!" A chorus of voices, including Sima Yi's who quickly chimed in, muttered.

Zhou Yu, Wei Yan, Sima Yi, Jia Xu, Cao Cao, Sun Quan, Meng Huo, and a few other nobodies like Wang Lang and Xiahou Mao proceeded to get on their knees and bow. Gongjin, Zhongda, and Wenhe made a specific effort to knock their heads against the floor as Zhuge Liang slowly walked towards them.

"You people..."

"Oh, Kongming! Your infinite wisdom is like the sun scorching the flesh of unbelievers. My body is covered in second-degree burns for once standing tall in the face of your magnificence. I am so unworthy! The Gods created me, a mere sort of smart guy who was good at making boats move and stuff, whereas they brought you, a deity in the flesh, to this Earth in order to demonstrate why I am obsolete. I am unworthy! I AM UNWORTHY!" Zhou Yu smacked his head against the floor.

"Gongjin may have second-degree burns, but my skin has been totally fried!" Sima Yi howled. "The skin cancer has covered my entire body after this worthless vessel dared to stand before your piercing holy light. How dare I, a kind of smart guy who knows how to make soldiers march even hope to question the divine magnificence that is Zhuge Kongming? I was an infidel, but then I saw the light of Zhuge Liang. Praise Zhuge Liang! PRAISE HIM!"

"Please, you two, that is more than enou-"

Jia Xu cut him off. "The people acknowledge that I am intelligent. They even say that I know how to manipulate people while **The Zhuge Liang** knows how to manipulate entire nations. Yet with that statement one sees the difference between the mortal and the divine."

"No, please-" Kongming began to palm his face.

Jia Xu gave a wide smile. "Praise the Zhuge Liang! While intelligent men like myself, Sima Zhongda, Zhou Gongjin, Guo Fengxiao, Xun Wenruo, maybe even Lu Zijing would plot amongst each other like moths trying to defy fate by flying towards flames and electric traps, the Zhuge Liang would always demonstrate how his divine, infinite insight and wisdom would trump each of us effortlessly."

Guo Jia took the opportunity to kowtow too. "I was so lucky. I died before I had to be enlightened by **The Zhuge Liang**. Praise the Zhuge Liang! Praise his infinite mercy, compassion, insight, and wis-"

"Enough is enough!" Kongming growled. "Yeah sure maybe they exaggerated my actions quite a bit, but that doesn't mean I actually believe I'm a God."

"You don't?" Someone blurted out.

Kongming turned towards the voice.

"You mean, you aren't a divine presence inhabiting flesh? I... I am not **The Zhuge Liang** 's prophet? I am not **The Zhuge Liang** 's favorite son?"

"Um, Boyue..."

Jiang Wei screamed as if acid had been thrown at his face. He violently grabbed his face and clawed at his eyes. **"WHY, ZHUGE LIANG, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!"**

Kongming stood there, frozen in time, and let go of its fan. As it fell, and hit the ground, he quickly began spinning this way and that in an uninhibited fit of rage.

"Who are you? Why are you subjecting me to this? Where are the _real people_? I can't take this anymore, stop! You must **stop**!"

 ** _Perhaps I asked the wrong question. Well, either way, the Bureaucracy has greenlit my proposal and so revoked your immunity from being harassed in the afterlife even after you fulfilled their requirements and made winning performances and re-enactments of events in popular culture. Now you will be subjected to various scenarios at my whim._**

"All those humiliating skits... They were for nothing." Sima Yi wept.

"Knowing the state of mind of these bureaucrats and this particular omniscient narrator, we'll probably be subject to cliche after cliche." Zhou Yu sighed.

"Easy for you to say, why did you two use the standard 'Zhuge Liang isn't a god so stop worshiping him or we'll make fun of it' cliche?"

His detractors glanced at each other. "Because the idea of a religion around you and the idea of making it seem real was an epic idea in itself?" Fa Zheng, a strategist who was supposed to be one of Zhuge Liang's critical colleagues and therefore one of his allies quipped.

Zhuge Liang's eyes narrowed. "I swear, I will get to the bottom of this. We were free once, now we can try to restore our freedom again..."

 _ **The Plot Thickens** _

Authors Note: Written with Nimble Writer on Steam. Like my other current projects, this fic will be updated when the new chapter is done. The stage is set, but dont worry the actors will most likely change from chapter to chapter.


	2. Maneater?

**(Warning, Reference to Alcohol)**

Chapter 1: Maneater?

 _Even in the afterlife, there were places that served alcohol._

Two men sat side by side on stools on the side of the bar at this ethereal bar. Other men and women glided by, ghosts that weren't given any attention by the pair. One wore an elaborate blue robe, the other actually wore yellow-tinted armor, over a less fancy yellow robe.

The blue-robed man groaned loudly, and slammed his drink on the bar.

"Life with that woman is an unbearable nightmare! It seemed that our marriage never pleased her, even though I was the Emperor! You were her previous husband, right? Wouldn't you agree?"

"Actually, Zihuan, things weren't _that_ bad. Yes, I don't think she was happy with me when we were married, but at the same time she was never cruel with me. She's a kind, sweet girl, and it's a shame that we were married for political reasons. I know she didn't love me, but I don't think she's as bad as you say."

Cao Pi blinked as Yuan Xi's attention went back to his drink. "Father always said that your clan was full of idiots, and I guess you aren't the exception. _Not as bad as you say_ , you say? That woman was as scheming as they come. She seemed to want the whole world in her hands.

"She even told me that the main reason why she slipped into my bed despite being married to you was, outside of your army getting trashed and scattered to the desolate north, the fact that you failed to gain any rank or renown. **You** were a nobody, while **I** was destined for greatness. She saw that in me, and so she decided to break her pledge with you and give herself to me!" Cao Pi sneered.

A bead of sweat dripped down Yuan Xi's brow as he stared at Cao Pi curiously. "Are you sure we're talking about the same person? The Zhen Ji I knew was hardly assertive. She was a demure, somewhat shy girl. I don't even really remember our honeymoon. Honestly, she never really seemed to put much effort into our marriage but at the same time I could tell that she didn't hate me or wish ill on the Yuan clan.

"All I really knew about her was that she got along well with father's favorite, and since I was often on campaign, gathering troops, or planning and undertaking logistics I never really had time to see Zhen Ji that often. Whenever we did we had to act very formal and distant around each other, but father didn't really care. Our marriage was for political reasons, but there were no bad feelings between us. Frankly, I had more trouble dealing with Tan and Shang than my wife."

"Dear me, I never thought you would be so stupid. So you couldn't see through Zhen Ji's real motives? Hah, no wonder why the Yuan clan amounted to nothing in the end. Your father was a pompous fool, your elder brother was a commander of little talent but boasted a big ego, and your younger brother fancied himself Han Xin when in reality he wouldn't make it as a Lieutenant. You were the nobody of your clan, and weren't even capable of identifying your wife's true colors. Such a fool."

Yuan Xi shook his head when Cao Pi finished his tirade. "I see no reason why I should continue to put up with such abuse from a man who claimed to want to talk to the son of his father's childhood best friend. Whatever joy my father Yuan Shao and your father Cao Cao shared, it is obvious that you and I wouldn't share those warm feelings. You are an arrogant brat who just happens to be somewhat more intelligent than my admittedly pompous younger brother. But such pride tends to lead to ruin. Good day to you."

As Yuan Xi attempted to stand up, a booming voice roared into both of their ears:

 **"Sit Down, Yuan Xianyi. The skit is not over yet."**

Yuan Xi shivered, and sat down.

Cao Pi took another swig from his wine glass. "Well, fine, yeah I've been rude. But I still can't believe you couldn't tell how horrible she was! That woman despised the girl I truly loved, Guo Nuwang, and plotted to kill her whenever possible. At least that's what Guo told me. And even before I met Lady Guo, Zhen Ji would nag and scold me for not conquering Shu or Wu even though they were "so much smaller" than Wei. What did that woman expect?! That I could make armies fall apart with a wave of my hand? Master Sima Yi did his very best to beat Zhuge Liang, and it took quite a while in spite of our military victories against those deluded fools."

Yuan Xi shook his head. "I really don't think we're talking about the same person. Or the promise of riches and power got to Lady Zhen's head, perhaps? No, judging by how shy that girl was... I can't see that happening. She would have needed some major concussion or other trauma to change so rapidly. Though, juding by the fact that _you_ were her second husband..."

Cao Pi crossed his arms. "What do you mean by that?"

Yuan Xi pretended to not hear that last line as he went back to swigging his drink.

At that moment, there was a flash of light, and another person appeared in the room.

"Master Cao, Master Yuan, please! You are under the effects of dark magic. Follow me and your souls can be freed from this place." This new arrival with a white feather fan called to them.

"Zhuge Liang?" Cao Pi blinked while Yuan Xi looked confused. "How did you get here?"

"Master Yuan, you might not recognize me, but trust me when I say this: our souls have reached the afterlife, but it has been separated into various spaces where ethereal skits are performed. We are in one of these spaces, where the skit was supposed to be about how the two of you had problems with the same woman as your wife... Not at the same time of course.

"However the director of this place did not take two souls from the same plane of existence, but two souls who experienced different timelines. So the way Cao Pi sees Lady Zhen and the way Yuan Xi remembers Lady Zhen are different, because you are referring to two different Lady Zhens. But once you emerge from this space the collected memories of Cao Pi and Yuan Xi will be with your souls, as will Zhen Ji's if we find her. Once you leave this place, you will know what the other is talking about."

Cao Pi scoffed. "Why should I trust you, Zhuge Liang? You are my enemy. You are my father's enemy. And I doubt you wouldn't try to trick me even if I did follow you out of here. No, I'll go back to my drink."

Yuan Xi shrugged. "I do not know who you are. And this wine is quite good." He, too, grabbed his drink and started to chug it down.

Zhuge Liang watched as their eyes began to shift in color, from brown to a more stark black, contrasting with the whites of their eyes.

 **Now begone from this place, Zhuge Liang! You were never supposed to be in this skit. Youve ruined it! Now we have to erase their memories and reshoot the whole thing... The Celestial Bureaucracy let me rent this place for only three hours, and I dont want to be overcharged for overtime. GET OUT!**

Zhuge Liang sighed as he slipped out of this plane of reality in the afterlife. Perhaps Cao Pi and Yuan Xi would be lost here forever...

Once Kongming left, the place shifted again, but Cao Pi and Yuan Xi stayed in place.

The tavern had better lighting this time around, although the two of them still ignored the ghosts of other nameless people who floated by.

"That woman... She is the death of me... I curse the day I captured her in Ye and made her my bride!" Cao Pi growled as Yuan Xi just stared at him curiously...


	3. Guo Jia Presents: The Dating Game!

Chapter 2: Guo Jia presents: The Dating Game!

"Hello hello hello, my name is Guo Fengxiao and I am overjoyed to host the very first episode of 'The Dating Game, Three Kingdoms Edition!' For our first act, we will have three lovely ladies hide behind three partitioned rooms. A handsome, talented commander will be sitting on a stool in front of the entrance to these rooms, and you, audience, get to oogle him while he interviews the girls and figures out which one would fit him best..."

"Yeah yeah get to it already!" Xiahou Yuan yelled from his seat among the audience.

Guo Jia frowned. "Very well. Our ladies are already in position. So let's introduce our first contestant... Zhou Gong-"

"It's Zhou Yu AGAIN?!" Sun Luban, daughter of Sun Quan, howled from her seat near Xiahou Yuan. "Every time it's Zhou Yu this, Zhou Yu that. Father is frustrated with all the praise and attention Gongjin gets and frankly I feel the same way!"

Guo Jia crossed his arms as Zhou Yu looked hurt. "Are we going to go through with this, or not?"

"Fiiine." Sun Luban huffed.

Zhou Yu strolled forward and sat on the stool.

"Now, Gongjin, would you like a minute to consider your questions?"

"No, I'm fine, Fengxiao." Zhou Yu smiled. "Fair maidens, I ask of thee: if you saw a kitten stuck in a tree, what would you do?"

There was some grumbling behind door number one.

"Ah. Door Number One, what is your answer?"

"Why would I even care? You never specified whether the cat is mine, and I'm married anyway. I shouldn't even be here. I mean sure Lord Zhou Yu is handsome, but my husband, Lord Si-"

"V-very well!" Guo Jia stammered quickly. "Door number two."

"I guess my first instinct would be to kick the tree down. But, well, that would probably break and kill the tree. I guess I could try climbing it, but the last time I tried that my eldest brother offered to toss me to a higher branch while my second brother scolded me for being unladylike. Still, I would certainly try to save that cat."

"I see. Door number three?"

"I would also attempt to save the cat. But I, um, don't think I'm strong enough to climb the tree or kick it down. I happen to know quite a few people, perhaps I could call for help? Get some strong guy to help climb the tree and retrieve the kitten?"

"Bull! As if you would attempt to save anybody number three!"

"Door number one, I'll have to ask you to-"

"To do what? You may be Lord Cao Cao's chief advisor, but my husband is Grand General. He still outranks you in a military setting, and you don't even have an official civil post. You're an assistant at best. I don't see why I have to stay here..." Door number one flung open to reveal...

"GASP!"

Zhang Chunhua crossed her arms. "What? You weren't expecting me?"

Zhou Yu sighed. "I knew it was you from the moment you mentioned you had a husband and his name started with Si-."

Guo Jia smirked. "Whereas I knew it was her from the moment she started talking. Gongjin, you should pay more attention to a person's tone. Some people can be _really_ obnoxious... Oh, pardon me, I meant obvious."

Zhang Chunhua scoffed as she marched towards the audience, and forcefully took a seat.

"Well, give us a second to summon our next female contestant. Lord Zhou Yu, please turn around."

A screen fell from somewhere behind Zhou Yu, and blocked their view from the audience.

The audience grumbled among each other for a few more minutes when the screen lifted again.

"Ta-da!" Guo Jia laughed. "We have our third contestant. Now, Door number one, the question we asked earlier was: 'If you saw a kitten stuck in a tree, what would you do?'"

"Well... I'd try kicking the tree first, I mean that would shake the cat out, right? Or maybe I'd end up breaking the tree. No, scratch that, I'd climb the tree and retreive the cat myself. My brothers might try to help me, but father would likely scold them for enabling me and scold me for being unladylike..."

"So you would attempt to save the kitten too?" Zhou Yu asked.

"Why, of course! Who would abandon a helpless animal?" The girl responded.

"Well, there you have it. We have three scrupulous people. Next question."

"Alright. Have you heard of me?"

"Are you seriously going to ask that, Zhou Yu?"

"Why not, Master Guo?"

"Ok then. Take your time to consider your responses... Door Number One!"

"Well, yes. But you're well aware that you have a reputation across China. I'll bet practically everyone's heard of you, especially after what you did to Lord Cao Cao and his vast navy."

"Erm..." The girl behind door number two seemed quiet. "Yes. Yes I have heard of you, Lord Zhou Yu..."

"As have I. I've never been to the Southland, though, so I don't think I'd recognize your face. But I have heard of your exploits. There are people who I live with who curse your name every day..."

"Question three." Zhou Yu continued before Guo Jia could respond. "The world as we know it is in turmoil. Bandits scar the land and the people cry out in pain. How do you feel we should end this nightmare?"

"Well obviously the Sima clan is best prepared to restore order." Zhang Chunhua scoffed loudly.

"Lady Sima, you are not a contestant anymore." Guo Jia snapped.

"Straight to a political question. That's so like y-. Oh wait. I-I mean, the people have suffered for far too long. We need to save them. But at the same time we can't forget that war is the main reason why many of them suffer. So even as we make campaigns to liberate other provinces, we should do our very best to ensure that our own home provinces are rich and prosperous. Only then do we have the right to hold our heads up high and claim that we're fighting for the right cause." The girl behind Door Number Two replied.

"I have to disagree." Door Number One called out. "We don't have the time for that. Sure, sure, we can talk about maintaining prosperity but during that time the bandits will just ravage and torture other provinces. No, we have to attack. We have to challenge rebel armies and crush them one by one. Once we succeed in reunifying the land, then we can talk about rebuilding. To only care about a certain region is biased and selfish. The entire world is suffering, and it's our duty to end that suffering as quickly as possible."

"Even if the people will suffer regardless, despite how well-intentioned our attacks and campaigns might be?" Door Number Two quipped.

"Ladies, ladies, that's enough. Door Number Three, what are your thoughts?"

"Well, Master Guo, Master Zhou, to be frank I have not really explored much of the world. I would be lying to say that I even understood the scope of the chaos and suffering, but I would say that order would be key. I kind of agree with Door Number Two, but I also see Door Number One's point that favoring a certain region is not the right answer.

"No, we must ensure that the entire land is restored to Order. So I think the ideal solution is a mixture of what the other two have said: Order is our goal, but we should work on rebuilding liberated territories and never falter from conducting campaigns and attacks that will liberate more land. Only by restoring order can we restore peace for all. With peace, prosperity will naturally follow."

"I see." Zhou Yu nodded. "The three of you are all quite noble. Well, this is my final question. At the end of the day, there are those who lead, and those who follow. There are many people who are discontent with their place in life. Some feel that they should be Kings and Emperors, while others feel that their rank is far too low, and does not properly represent their talents. How would you react if your husband happened to have either a subordinate position or a rank that was not very elaborate, notable, or perhaps well-paid?"

"I'm sorry to say that, based on my lifestyle, it would not be possible for me to accept a husband with a low rank, Lord Zhou Yu. Granted, my family has remained nobility for a long time, but we also live fairly lavishly. My... Well, I guess I have to say it. My previous husbands were both nobles, and one even managed to be Emperor. My household was always rich and well off. I could see myself being with a talented and high-ranking commander like yourself, but I couldn't deal with anything lower than that. To properly answer your question, the rank of my spouse is still a key issue for me. I'm sorry if that disappoints you."

"No, no. I understand perfectly. Thank you, miss."

"Since she's the first to practically decline, we'll open door number three to reveal Zhen Ji!" Guo Jia pointed as the door opened. And sure enough Zhen Ji came out.

She bowed, and stepped forward to clasp Zhou Yu's hand. "Those were some good questions, Master Zhou. Except for perhaps the 'knowing you part.'"

Gongjin grinned. "I know, I know."

Zhen Ji walked off towards the audience.

"My family is also nobility." The girl behind door number one spoke. "But I do not need such lavish needs. One can say that we were elevated to nobility for our valorous deeds. My father would probably hate you, I have to say, as you represent the Southland's finest, but I have heard acknowledgement of your talent and virtue. As for a husband, all I ask is that he fights for justice and truth, and would not falter from our task of saving China from this age of torment and suffering. To that end, no, rank is no object for me. My famliy is well-off and thus we'd have no need for money: and a truly worthy husband would have to be one in spirit and soul, not one who just so happens to have many things or lofty titles."

Zhou Yu nodded. "Good answer."

"I agree!" Door number two stammered. "A truly worthy husband should be the sort with an unending resolve and a noble spirit. Far too many marriages were conducted for men with political connections or lots of gold in their pockets. The women always suffered then. But far too few were made for reasons of love, or ties beyond the material or political. My husband should be an honorable man who would give his life for the nation and to protect its people. He should be a man whose priorities lie beyond his own needs but for the needs of all. Who cares what money he has? Who cares what rank he has? If his spirit is that of a money-grubbing, corrupt toady, if he has the heart of a tyrant, then he is hardly worthy of a bride, no? No such man would be worthy for me!"

Zhou Yu stroked his chin. "Also a good answer."

"Ohoho, hard to choose, eh, Lord Zhou Yu?"

Zhou Yu stood up. "Only tyrants lust after many women and seek to corrupt many a maiden's heart. These two are clearly pure in heart and spirit. It would be wrong for me to take advantage of the premise of this show. In all honesty, I attended just to see what kind of people would be in attendance. I'm surprised that both of them agreed to this. Frankly, I wasn't surprised to see you here, Lady Sima. No offense to you of course, Lady Zhen."

"None taken." Zhen Ji grinned and glanced at Zhang Chunhua.

"Why you!" Zhang Chunhua snarled.

As Zhou Yu attempted to walk offstage, Guo Jia announced: "Well, Door Number One was Guan Yinping, and Door Number Two was Sun Shangxiang."

"Where is he?!" Shangxiang demanded.

"Um, he walked that way..." Guo Jia pointed.

Shangxiang ran to chase after Gongjin, while Guan Yinping shrugged, and decided to follow her.

"Wow, what a ladies man." Guo Jia smiled. "Now, whose our next contestant?"

As Zhang He laughed and attempted to get on stage, a flash of light appeared and Zhuge Liang was there!

"Where is Zhou Yu? I heard that he was here."

"He was just a minute ago, but he left. Sun Shangxiang and Guan Yinping are in pursuit. Did you need something, Master Zhuge?"

"Well, first of all I'd like to say... This is a scam. You are under the effects of Dark magic, and I-"

 **Silence, Zhuge Liang!**

"Don't worry..." Guo Jia whispered in Zhuge Liang's ear. "I know. I'm trying to investigate the situation myself. Now hurry. Don't worry, they won't catch me." Kongming noticed that his eyes stayed brown as Zhang He, Zhang Chunhua, and Xiahou Yuan's eyes began to turn black.

"I'll go with you..." Zhen Ji spoke and grabbed Zhuge Liang's arm.

"Ok, we're following Zhou Yu!"

As Zhen Ji and Kongming left the studio, it began to collapse and swirl.

 **"Guo JIa, continue where we left off with Zhang He here."**

"Alright, alright. I'll play along. The show must go on, right?"


End file.
